Why should you talk about sex in couples counseling?

Don’t leave out some of the most important conversations you can have in couples or relationship therapy!

Going to couples or relationship therapy can be daunting enough - you and your partner(s) have been feeling disconnected, unable to stop arguing, or feeling unsure about the future of your relationship… and now you’re going to go talk about that with a stranger?! Do you really need to talk about your sex life too?!

Many of us grew up with messages or belief systems telling us not to talk about sex - that it’s dirty, shameful, or at the very least private (certainly not something you talk about with anyone outside of your relationship!). But this very secrecy and silence about such an important topic can be part of what is causing friction or disconnection in your relationship. And not talking about it can leave you stuck or only feeling like you’ve partially resolved the issues you need to work on. Even couples who are comfortable talking about sex, but might not think it is important to discuss in marriage counseling, may be missing something crucial.

How can talking about sex and sexual activity in couples counseling or relationship therapy help your relationship?

Improving communication

It’s okay if you don’t know how to do this already - you certainly didn’t have a class in school that taught you how to talk about sex without shame or embarrassment! Many partners go through years of their relationships with minimal conversations around sex. Some are acutely aware that there are certain things they wish they could talk about but don’t know how to put into words, or are worried how their partner(s) might react. Relationship therapy sessions with a couples therapist who is also trained in sex therapy can be a wonderful and supportive place to start talking about these things and learn communication skills that will help you continue the conversation at home. Many people find that learning effective ways to communicate about sex also helps them communicate better in other parts of their relationships!

Working through sexual issues

If you are struggling with any sex-related problems like erectile issues, arousal or orgasm difficulties, pain during intercourse, desire discrepancy, or adjusting to changes in how your bodies function sexually, feelings of loss, shame, or frustration around these issues can become part of the negative cycle that is bringing you into couples counseling. Working with a sex therapist to figure out what these problems are and how you can take steps to address them can be a key part of working to create new, healthier interactions in your relationship. Many people think they need to be having more sex to improve their relationships, but it’s actually the quality of your sexual activity not the quantity that really matters.

Feeling more connected

For many of us, sexual intimacy is an important part of how we feel close with our partners. The physical connection of sexual activity and the sense of touch we experience with our partners can be very connecting and strengthen our attachment bonds. But the emotional vulnerability of talking about sex, sharing fantasies and desires with each other, and encouraging each other to explore sexual pleasure brings us closer on a mental and emotional level as well.

Reducing stress

Are you getting irritable with each other because life is so stressful, the daily chores and other tasks are piling up, and your partner forgetting to take out the trash (again!) is really annoying you? Longterm relationships can sometimes slip into a state where you feel more like roommates running a household together, rather than romantic partners. Having sex is a great reminder of why you’re in this together in the first place. And engaging sexual activity can help many people reduce stress levels, improve their moods, and feel more relaxed - so you feel better able to tackle the other life stuff, and have something else to look forward to.

Promoting healing

People often come to relationship therapy to work through some rupture or break in trust - a misunderstanding, a betrayal (whether sexual, romantic, or otherwise), a loss of much-needed support, or a stressful period of time in which you grew apart without realizing it was happening. Talking through this in couples counseling can help partners to understand what happened and process and share the emotions around the rupture, as well as how the experience of this rupture is continuing to impact their relationship. Learning new ways to talk about and handle triggers and emotions can help partners heal and feel optimistic about their future again. But restoring or strengthening your sexual connection is often a part of this healing process that can get left out or ignored - yet for many relationships, being able to come back together sexually and find even greater pleasure in their sexual connection is a powerful part of healing and repairing their relationship!

Developing fun and healthy sexual habits that will benefit your relationship for years to come

Talking about sexual activities and sexual interests in couples therapy and relationship therapy can help you and your partner(s) open up about things you would like to do more of in the bedroom, new things you would like to try, or collaborate to discuss how you would like to nourish and strengthen your sex life for the future. Partners can fall into familiar routines of how they engage in sexual activity, and while knowing what works for you and your partner(s) can be fantastic, it can sometimes lead to feeling like you’re in a rut doing the same thing over and over. Something as simple as having a plan for how and when you check in with each other to talk about your sex life can help you and your partner(s) make sure that sex doesn’t become something you take for granted or do auto-pilot. Even when you have a good foundation for your sex life, it never hurts to intentionally check in and have ongoing discussions about it, and i’s never too late to figure out ways to leave the door open for new exploration and possibilities!

Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirmative, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy for couples/partnerships and individuals.

Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!

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