Myths About Ethical Non-Monogamy
Myths & misconceptions about open and polyamorous relationships - debunked!
More people than ever know what the terms ethical non-monogamy and polyamory mean these days - yet I still often hear people asking the question “But do those relationships really work?” Myths and misconceptions about different forms of ethical non-monogamy persist, so let’s dive in and debunk a few of the biggest ones:
MYTH: Ethical Non-Monogamy is just a newfangled word for cheating
REALITY: Absolutely not!
The word “ethical” in ENM (like “consensual” in the similar term “consensual non-monogamy”) is there because it means the partners in the relationship are approaching non-monogamy with intentionality, ethics, and consent from all parties involved. Cheating, on the other hand, consists of one partner doing something that goes against the commitment both partners made to each other - constituting a betrayal of trust. That’s unethical non-monogamy. But if you and your partner agree that you both want to have the freedom to explore sexual and/or romantic relationships with other partners, and you’re on the same page about this, then acting on that agreement and enjoying that freedom to explore love and sexuality is not a betrayal at all, but a wonderful aspect of your relationship structure!
MYTH: Opening up your relationship will lead to a breakup or divorce
REALITY: Not necessarily!
People often hear about polyamory or ENM in the context of relationships that did break up - such as a celebrity couple disclosing to the tabloids that exploring polyamory precipitated their divorce. But what does not make the news as frequently are all the other ordinary ENM and poly relationships going about their mundane, daily lives - the ones you probably live next door to and don’t even know about. ENM or poly relationships that have a strong foundation, trust, and good communication are just as capable of being successful and long-term as monogamous relationships. However, there is some truth to the concern that opening up a monogamous relationship that is struggling, in an attempt to “save” the relationship or “make it work” has a greater potential to end poorly. Non-monogamy can be a wonderful thing, but it’s not a magic wand for previously-existing problems in a relationship. But if you are entering the world of ENM or polyamory from a strong, secure place, then non-monogamy can become a strength of your relationship - not a liability.
MYTH: If you feel jealousy, you’re not cut out for polyamory or ENM.
REALITY: Jealousy is a normal emotion.
Maybe you’ve met someone who claims that they “never feel jealousy” and polyamory just comes easily for them - good for them (if that’s true!), but the majority of the people I’ve met, even those in the most secure and successful poly or ENM relationships, do experience jealousy at times. When jealousy comes up in ENM or poly relationships, it can be useful information - not a sign that you’re bad at this. Feelings of jealousy may indicate that you may have a fear that needs to be addressed, or a need that isn’t being met - whether for reassurance, communication, self-soothing, or some type of attention or quality time from your partner. If your jealousy is persistent or causing continued conflict in your relationships, then it may be time to get some extra support by talking about it with a licensed therapist. But everyone is likely to experience some jealousy from time to time, and it’s how you handle it and communicate about it that matters.
MYTH: These kinds of relationships are for people who are afraid of commitment
REALITY: Couldn’t be further from the truth!
Most ethically non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships actually involve a high degree of commitment. In fact, one could argue that such relationships involve an even deeper commitment, because of the honesty and communication required to navigate ENM and poly relationships. Expanding the boundaries of relationship structure also means you can expand the possibilities of commitment - if you are in an ENM relationship, and your partner develops a crush on someone else, rather than being a threat to your commitment, how your commitment makes space for that crush can strengthen your relationship and commitment to your partner. In polyamorous relationships, people can make romantic commitments to multiple people - but having multiple commitments does not lessen the degree or seriousness of the commitment. So this type of relationship actually requires someone to be very comfortable with commitment, rather than the opposite!
MYTH: Polyamorous people want to sleep with all their friends
REALITY: Probably not!
Someone in an open or polyamorous relationship can enjoy sexual activities with other partners, but that certainly does not mean they want to have sex with every person they know or meet! In reality, many of us are quite picky (just like monogamous folks can be!), and having the freedom to have multiple sexual and/or romantic partners does not change that. If your friend tells you they are open or polyamorous, don’t automatically assume this means they are hitting on you - they might just want to share a bit more about who they are with you. That could indicate not that they are interested in you sexually, but that they value your friendship and trust you’re likely to be the kind of friend who is open-minded and non-judgmental (congrats!)
Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in poly/ENM-friendly, LGBTQIA+ affirmative, and kink-knowledgeable therapy for couples/relationships and individuals.
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