Therapy for D/s relationships
Kink-friendly therapy for couples and individuals in power exchange relationships
What is a D/s relationship?
A Dominant/submissive (Dom/sub or Domme/sub for short, or D/s for even shorter!) relationship is one in which there is a consensual power exchange between partners. The Dominant partner may take the lead in decision-making, have control over certain things in the relationship or the submissive partner’s life, and/or give the sub orders. The submissive partner may defer to the Dominant partner in a limited or vast number of things, including following their lead, obeying orders, asking for permission before doing certain things, and/or serving the dominant partner in a multitude of different ways. But what this looks like varies dramatically from couple to couple - depending on what the partners are interested in and have negotiated and agreed to. Like so many things in life, there is a broad spectrum of what D/s relationships can look like!
For some couples, the D/s dynamic only comes into play in the bedroom, in the form of BDSM scenes. For others, this power exchange can extend outside of the bedroom to everyday life in subtle or more obvious ways. You may have heard people talk about a “24/7 dynamic” in D/s relationships or a “Female Led Relationship” (FLR) which are two examples of relationships in which both partners have agreed that the D/s dynamic is not just a fun kink they enjoy from time to time, but the main structure of their relationship itself.
Do you need a certain type of therapy or therapist if you’re in a D/s relationship?
Whether you are looking for individual therapy for yourself, or couples or relationship therapy for yourself and your partner(s), if you are in a D/s relationship dynamic (or if you are single and are looking for a D/s relationship!) you may want to seek out a kink-knowledgeable or kink-friendly therapist - someone who has specialized training, knowledge, and experience working with clients in the BDSM/kink community. These therapists will be comfortable talking about D/s dynamics with you, and are already educated and familiar with the lingo of BDSM and kink, so you won’t find yourself having to explain what D/s means or give them a “Kink 101” lesson. A good therapist will still ask more questions to understand the dynamics of your particular relationship, but they will be starting from an already-informed place.
If the D/s relationship is not your primary concern in therapy:
So, what if you’re in a D/s relationship - but the relationship is not the thing you want to focus on in therapy? Maybe you’re dealing with stress at your job, grief over the loss of a loved one, depression, trauma, or anxiety. You might be okay working with a therapist who is not familiar with D/s relationships but has the skills and expertise to address the issues you are concerned with - but if you find yourself feeling awkward talking about your relationship, or find that you are avoiding certain topics or censoring yourself, this could be a sign that you’d benefit from finding a therapist who specializes in the issue you’re seeking help with and is kink-knowledgeable too! Even if your relationship doesn’t come up in session that often, sometimes just knowing that your therapist is affirming and understanding of this dynamic (as well as the strengths it might bring to your life!) can be important to a good therapeutic relationship and progress in treatment.
If the D/s relationship is what you’re seeking therapeutic support with:
On the other hand, what if you are looking for a therapist specifically because you need help with your relationship? If you are in a D/s relationship, you will probably find therapy more helpful if you feel comfortable being open with your therapist about your relationship dynamic, and if your therapist understands and is familiar with this power exchange dynamic. You might be fine letting your parents assume you and your partner are just another vanilla couple, but your therapist of all people is someone you probably don’t want to have to hide this from! Whether you are looking for individual therapy or couples/relationship therapy, working with a kink-knowledgeable therapist can give you the peace of mind that your relationship dynamic will be understood and not pathologized, that your therapist will not try to convince you that this dynamic is unhealthy, and that the strengths and unique dynamics of your relationship will be respected and honored.
How working with a kink-knowledgeable therapist can support you and your relationship:
Negotiating consent and safety
A kink-knowledgeable therapist can help you and your partner(s) explore and negotiate what relationship structure and dynamic works best for you - helping you to clarify your needs, boundaries, and goals to make sure the relationship works for all partners. For partners who are new to BDSM and kink in particular, it can be very helpful to work with a therapist who is experienced in this, and knows to ask the right questions to help you make sure you are considering all safety concerns and needs beyond just the basics of consent and safe words.
Communication skills
All relationships can benefit from working on communication - it’s a lifelong practice, not a perfection! Some of the communication in a D/s relationship might look different than communication in a vanilla relationship, but consenting to a D/s dynamic does not mean the submissive partner has given up their rights to negotiate and advocate for their own needs (contrary to what you might read in erotica or see in porn!) A therapist can help you to communicate changing needs or concerns while supporting and honoring the D/s dynamic that might have brought you together in the first place. This might look like creating non-verbal forms of communication or signaling, building in times for check-ins where you can “step out of” the D and s roles, creating rituals around aftercare and processing, and setting expectations and guidelines to ensure ongoing consent and negotiation throughout the relationship.
Kink as a form of healing
It is a common myth that people are into kink and BDSM because they experienced trauma or child abuse. Research has shown that there is no greater incidence of childhood trauma amongst kink practitioners than amongst the general population (Brown et al., 2019). However, because trauma is so prevalent in society at large, inevitably some people in D/s relationships will also be survivors of trauma. Because BDSM and kink can create a container in which power dynamics and consent can safety be explored, D/s relationships are able to play a powerful role in healing for many survivors of trauma, allowing people to reclaim agency and be empowered in their sexuality and sexual expression. Many people find that having a kink-knowledgeable therapist to process the challenges, growth, and insights from these experiences can be a valuable part of post-traumatic healing (Cascalheira et al., 2021)
Differentiating between kink and abuse
People in D/s relationships can encounter some of same relationship challenges as people in vanilla relationships. If you’re feeling disrespected by a partner, controlled in a way you didn’t consent to, uncomfortable with a partner pushing a limit, or you’re worried about how to tell when a relationship crosses the line into something toxic or abusive, talking with a therapist can help you gain clarity and figure out what you want and need to feel safe and secure. A kink-knowledgeable therapist will not tell you that D/s in itself is an unhealthy relationship dynamic, but they can help you tell the difference between what is consensual power exchange and kink play, and what might cross that line into abuse - while still honoring your autonomy and respecting the role that kink plays in your life.
Strengthening Intimacy
If you are struggling with sexual issues, loss of libido, differences in desire, or if you and your partner have just gotten into a rut of not having sex as often as you used to, the good news is that you already have a built-in superpower if you are in a D/s relationship! Engaging in kink and BDSM can be a real asset when it comes to both emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships. Working with a kink-knowledgeable therapist can help you build upon the strengths of your existing dynamic and come up with creative ways to address and repair any sexual issues you’re dealing with, to improve both your sex life and the overall quality of your relationship.
Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirmative, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy for couples/partnerships and individuals.
Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!
In-person therapy for residents of Los Angeles County, including Torrance, Palos Verdes, Rolling Hills, Lomita, Redondo Beach, Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, El Segundo, Hawthorne, Lawndale, Gardena, and Long Beach. Online therapy via telehealth throughout the state of California.
Brown, A., Barker, E. D., & Rahman, Q. (2019). A Systematic Scoping Review of the Prevalence, Etiological, Psychological, and Interpersonal Factors Associated with BDSM. The Journal of Sex Research, 57(6), 781–811. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2019.1665619
Cascalheira, C. J., Ijebor, E. E., Salkowitz, Y., Hitter, T. L., & Boyce, A. (2021). Curative kink: survivors of early abuse transform trauma through BDSM. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 38(3), 353–383. http://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2021.1937599