5 important topics that couples often forget to discuss before opening up a relationship
(Don’t skip these!)
1. How much information to share
If you and your partner will be having separate/solo experiences with others, how much do you want to know about your partner’s adventures? How much do you want to share about your own experiences when you reconnect afterwards? Do you just want the bare minimum - “we had a fun time,” or do you want to know specific details: what the other person is like, how your partner felt about them, what specific sex acts were involved, etc.?
Some couples default to sharing all of this information at first because they are trying to be completely open and honest with each other - which can be useful! But sometimes people quickly realize they do not need or want all of that information, and it can be more harmful than helpful to hear details that you don’t want to hear. This can be particularly true if you are struggling with jealousy (which we all do at some point in time, let’s be honest!). It can be tricky at first to figure out what details are reassuring to hear, and what details are unnecessary or even best avoided. For example, you might feel reassured to hear that your partner had penetrative sex with a new partner and a condom was used - but you probably don’t need to know that this new partner has a larger penis than you (unless you’re into cuckholding and you specifically want and request to know that information!). Think about what information will be helpful, what you would be okay never knowing, and how you might feel if you receive information that is surprising or different than you expected.
Another key point to consider is how you talk to other partners about what information about them will be shared - part what makes ethical non-monogamy ethical is that everyone involved is knowledgeable and consenting to what is going on. So if you know your spouse likes (maybe even gets off on) hearing all the juicy details when you come home from a date, you probably want to run this by any new partners first, so they know and can consent to such private information being shared with another person.
2. If and how you want to talk about your relationship with other people in your life
Some couples want to remain “socially monogamous” - i.e. still appearing monogamous to everyone else in their life aside from their sexual partners. This might be for reasons around a desire for privacy, fear of judgment, or worry about potential social or professional stigma. Sometimes it’s just fun to have a sexy secret that no one else would guess about your relationship! Other couples are fine with everyone in their life knowing, and want to be open about their relationship to normalize ethical non-monogamy - maybe even going public about it by writing blogs, recording podcasts, or creating social media content talking about it! And many couples will fall somewhere in the middle - maybe “coming out” to a few close friends, but not telling their families, for example.
Consider what is important to you around privacy, and what the pros and cons of disclosing to others might be. If you are keeping this a secret from everyone else in your life, that could be very isolating. It can be incredibly supportive to have friends who know about your relationships, and who you can talk to or vent to if needed. You might even want to connect with the larger ENM or poly community - joining a support group or going to meetups where you can connect with other people with shared experiences.
It’s important to make sure you are on the same page about your expectations around this so that no one is blindsided later (“hey I didn’t want your friends knowing we go to swingers parties!”). Of course, like most relationship agreements, you should leave room for the possibility that your needs and wants around this agreement might change in the future. If you haven’t told anyone that you have an open relationship, but a friend sees you out at a bar with another partner, you might have to disclose so they don’t assume you are cheating on your spouse! Or if you started exploring ENM with your partner thinking this would just be a fun sexy secret for the two of you, but now you’ve fallen in love with another person and your relationship is becoming polyamorous, you might want that new person to be more involved in your life - such as coming to social gatherings with you, and even meeting your family.
3. How to handle it if someone contracts an STI (don’t assume it won’t happen!)
Many couples can quickly come to agreements about safe sex practices and using protection when opening up their relationship, but that’s usually where the conversation stops. Most of us don’t like to acknowledge that when we have sex with anyone, even using barriers and other forms of protection, we are putting ourselves at some degree of risk for contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI). So a lot of people in non-monogamous relationships are crossing their fingers and hoping this is something they never have to deal with, and just saying “well we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it!”
But having a pro-active conversation before anything happens is not just an important part of safety planning, it can also put you more at ease if you ever do have to disclose to your partner that you’ve potentially been exposed to or contracted an STI. If you never had this conversation in advance, would you worry that your partner might be mad at you, or blame you? Would you even worry that they might break up with you over this? What if you already had their reassurance that if anything like this should come up, you both agree to not blame or judge anyone, but approach it with compassion and support each other in getting treatment or taking whatever next steps are necessary? Doesn’t that sound a lot kinder?
Likewise, if pregnancy is a possibility in any of your sexual activities with other partners, have a talk about that too. Having a plan for how you will handle it, what options you know are available to you and other partners if needed, etc. can help you to feel more prepared in case you are ever facing this possibility. It’s a bit like knowing where the fire extinguisher and all the exits are - hopefully there’s never a fire and you don’t have to use them. But if you ever do, you know your partner has your back and you have a plan for how you will handle it together.
4. How to continue nurturing your relationship even as you may be exploring new ones
If you’re ready to explore non-monogamy because you’re feeling secure and happy in your relationship, and you’re looking at opening up as something that can bring more joy and adventure into your life (and not a bandaid to fix a struggling relationship!) - good for you! You’re off to a great start.
But don’t let that lull you into complacency. You and your partner will be experiencing lots of fun, new things with other people - maybe even some new relationship energy (NRE) - and that can bring up unexpected emotions and jealousy, even when everything is still going great in your relationship. Why? Because those new experiences are the shiny, sparkling new objects that look like a fun vacation, an escape from the mundane every day! And as much as you still love your partner, you’d probably like to have fun escapes with them like the ones they’re having with the new person they’re dating or playing with, and vice versa.
So when you’re planning a sexy date with a new person, make sure you’re also planning some sexy dates with your partner! Opening up your relationship does bring novelty into the picture - but if you are each experiencing that novelty separately with other partners, think about how you could create some novelty together too. Some couple enjoy swinging or threesomes for this reason, because they get to have those new sexual adventures together. But even if you are only solo-dating, you can have other types of new adventures and fun. Don’t just wear that hot outfit or sexy lingerie on new dates, wear it at home with your partner too! Buying a fun new sex toy to enjoy with a new play partner? Buy a different one to try at home with your nesting partner too! If you have kids, make sure you aren’t only hiring a babysitter for the nights that you have dates with other people - budget to include some babysitter nights when you and your partner can go out for your own date!
Keep nourishing your existing relationship by being playful, curious, and planning fun and new activities to do together. Even as you are exploring new people and new relationships, and your calendar might be getting busier, putting the care and effort into your relationship will help it to continue being the secure and happy foundation that first allowed you to even consider opening up to non-monogamy.
5. How to make room for revisiting and updating agreements in the future
As I alluded to earlier, the best relationship agreements are not rigid or set in stone, but allow room for revisiting and renegotiation in the future. You might realize upon revisiting them that the agreements you started with are still working for you, and nothing needs to change - if so, great! But you might also find as you continue exploring non-monogamy that some of the agreements you started out with don’t work as well as you thought they would, or are no longer necessary.
Many couples first opening up their relationships are often hesitant and more restrictive around things like having sleepovers with other partners. This might make sense when you are new to this, as it can provide a bit of reassurance for some people, soothing any attachment anxiety with the promise that their partner will still come home to them at the end of the night after any adventures with other people. But after awhile, as you become more comfortable with non-monogamy and you see that you and your partner are capable of going off and having separate experiences with others, and the love and trust between the two of you is still there, it might start to feel unnecessary to have such a limit on sleepovers. In fact, it now might sound like sleepovers would be a fun thing for you and your partner to each get to do with other partners, not the threatening idea it first seemed when this was all much newer!
If you build agreements from the start with the mutual understanding that these are agreements that can flex and change, then you are setting a foundation for continued discussion and collaboration, and that invites partners to be more honest about any new desires or need that may come up, and sets you up for better success in your exploration of non-monogamy.
Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in poly/ENM-friendly, LGBTQIA+ affirmative, and kink-knowledgeable therapy and sex therapy for couples/relationships and individuals.
In-person therapy for residents of Los Angeles County, including Torrance, Palos Verdes, Rolling Hills, Lomita, Redondo Beach, Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, El Segundo, Hawthorne, Lawndale, Gardena, and Long Beach. Online therapy via telehealth throughout the state of California.
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