How do I find a therapist I can talk to about my kink or fetish?

Finding a kink-knowledgeable therapist in California

You’ve been into this for as long as you can remember - it seems like just a part of who you are, and your interest and understanding of it developed alongside all the other aspects of your identity and sexuality. Perhaps you remember the first time you saw imagery it and something just clicked for you. Seeing a cartoon superhero tied up by the villain got the gears in your mind turning; finding lace lingerie in the family laundry basket, you couldn’t resist it trying on; reading a story about someone getting spanked caught your interest in a different way; or you realized you were always looking at the feet of attractive people when your peers were checking out other body parts. Perhaps there was no specific moment or “origin story” to your kink, it’s just something you know you’ve always been into.

Or you never thought you were anything other than vanilla - you enjoyed vanilla (non-kinky) sex for years, and never wondered about trying anything different. But now you’re in mid-life and suddenly you’re thinking about a fantasy you never considered before, or one you briefly considered and then shut down. Your porn search history is full of new and very specific interests, you’re thinking about this even when you’re not masturbating, you’re wondering what it would be like to try this fantasy out in the real world, you’ve considered seeking out a partner who is interested in the same fetish, or even hiring a professional just so you can try it, just once, to know what it’s like… 

But it’s not something you can talk about with anyone else. You worry that your friends and family would think you’re a freak if they knew. You’re scared it might scare off potential partners - or even cause your current partner to break up with you if they knew what you secretly fantasize about. Not because it’s anything illegal or dangerous, but just because it’s… “different.” “Weird.” “Not normal.” You’ve never met anyone else who’s into this - sure, there are other people online, in those forums you’ve been reading, in the videos you’ve been watching… but do “real people” actually think about this stuff? Does it mean there’s something wrong with you? Is this something people in healthy relationships do?

The short answer is - yes, real people definitely do think about and enjoy kinks and fetishes, no there’s nothing wrong with you, and yes kink can be a part of a healthy relationship! Kinks and fetishes are far more common than most people realize. The idea of vanilla sex as “normal” is a bit misleading. Vanilla sex might be the default, what people first think of or assume when they think of sex, but a large percent of the sex people are having - and the fantasies they are thinking about - are actually quite kinky!

Why is it so hard to talk about, then?

Vanilla normatively - again, vanilla sex is the default, the mainstream. So most of the examples people see and the education they receive about sex are focused on vanilla sex. And this means people can have a perception that vanilla sex is “natural” or “normal”, implying that anything else is “abnormal” or “unnatural”.

Sexual shame - But even vanilla sex can still be taboo to talk about for many people! Societal and cultural norms often shame people for having sexual desires - even though sexuality is part of our human biology. Religious beliefs tell people that certain types of sex are “good” (married, heterosexual, and for procreation), and others are “bad” (non-married sex, queer sex, sex just for pleasure!). If you start with that pre-existing shame, and then add the extra layer of kink to it, the shame can become even more powerful. 

Stigma and misconceptions  - there are a lot of myths and misinformation out there about kink and BDSM. Without greater education and understanding, people often assume that only certain types of people are into kink (false!), that relationships that include kink are inherently abusive (false!), or that kink is a mental illness (definitely false!).

Historical pathologizing of kink - in the field of psychology, therapists have not always been kink-affirming or kink-knowledgeable. Kink has even been pathologized by psychologists who erroneously concluded that people must be into kink because they experienced trauma as children. And although it is certainly possible for someone to be into kink and also be a survivor of trauma, correlation does not always equal causation. The current research on this shows no greater prevalence of childhood trauma amongst kink practitioners than the general population. Yet some therapists may still have a bias against kink, or simply be uneducated about it - so it is important for kinky people to make sure to seek out therapists who are kink-knowledgeable, and will not judge or pathologize them.

Previous negative experiences - and if you have ever tried to talk about this with anyone before, or told a friend or partner about your fetish, and they had a negative reaction (“ew, that’s gross!” Or “that’s too weird for me”), you may be understandably nervous or reluctant to disclose to anyone else in the future. Who wouldn’t?

If any of the above resonates with you, you’re in good company. Many kinky people have struggled with some of these experiences or concerns, and working through them is often part of their journey to self-acceptance and being able to be more authentically themselves in sex and relationships. 

You can talk about all of this with a kink-knowledgeable therapist

Working with a therapist who understands and is educated in kink can help you sort though your feelings about your interests, understand yourself and your kinks better, be more aware of where any shame might be coming from and how you can reduce it, and figure out how you would like to explore your interests on your own or with a partner. Therapists can even help you learn how to talk to partners about your kink, negotiate boundaries around consent or power exchange, and navigate issues that can come up in relationships related to kink. Sometimes couples therapy is helpful for people wanting to introduce kink to a relationship, navigating that new adventure with a partner, or for partners struggling with differing desires.

How do I find a kink-knowledgeable therapist?

There are several ways to go about searching for a kink-knowledgeable therapist these days:

Kink Aware Professionals is a directory of kink-aware, kink-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapists and other providers:
https://www.kapprofessionals.org/

Psychology Today is a general therapist directory, but it allows you to filter your search by many parameters including location, types of therapy, expertise, etc. - and you can select the filter “sex positive & kink friendly” under the heading of gender and sexuality to filter your search for therapists who self-identify as sex positive and kink friendly. 
https://www.psychologytoday.com/

AASECT: the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a directory of AASECT-certified sex therapists. These therapists have received specialized training in human sexuality and sexual health, including training in working with clients in the kink and BDSM community.
https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory

Internet searches can also help you find kink-knowledgeable therapists licensed in your area - try searching for “kink-knowledgeable therapist near me” or “kink-friendly therapists in Los Angeles, CA”.

Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in kink-knowledgeable, LGBTQIA+ affirmative, and poly/ENM-friendly therapy for individuals and relationships in the state of California.

Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!

In-person therapy for residents of Los Angeles County, including Torrance, Palos Verdes, Rolling Hills, Lomita, Redondo Beach, Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, El Segundo, Hawthorne, Lawndale, Gardena, and Long Beach. Online therapy via telehealth throughout the state of California.